Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

Positive Parenting for Tired Parents

To gain control of the situation we must first gain control of ourselves

You love them, provide for them, sacrifice for them, and have at least twenty years of life experience over them; however, this alone will never save you from dramatic statements such as “you’re ruining my life.” If you have children then you are probably tired and worried constantly about doing the right thing for them.  This can be mentally and physically exhausting on you and your entire family. Here are a few tips to accomplishing more in parenting yet expending less energy.

Find your magic silent voice – Have there been times during parenthood that you have felt like the teacher on Charlie Brown? It’s as if your child is only hearing “Wa wa Maw wa wa” when you talk. There are a few obvious reasons for this. Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day. Get ready, put your shoes away, wash your hands, use a tissue ect. The result seems to be that they are now really good at tuning us out. In fact it’s been my experience that the more a parent nags and yells the less a child will listen. Like the Elvis song says, “a little less conversation a little more action” is needed. Each time make a calm polite request. If this request is not adhered to make the request again but also state what can happen if the child chooses not to comply. And do not repeat this request more than once. If the child does not comply, calmly and silently follow through on the consequence you stated would happen. For example; “Johnny Dear, I need you to pick up your toys in the next five minutes.” Set a timer for him for 5 minutes. You noticed there are 60 seconds left and Johnny has not moved. Now you say in a very calm and quiet voice “Johnny Dear, I need you to pick up your toys in the next minute because if you don’t it shows you are not able to take care of them and mommy will have to take them away for a few days.” If he hasn’t done this by the time you’ve asked, then quietly and kindly pick up the toys. If he is upset and protesting simply do not engage in reasoning and bargaining or explaining again. Remember “Energy Conservation” simply empathize. One short sentence is all that is needed. “I know, I really wish you had made the right choice, mommy doesn’t like to see you sad and angry.” Do not have further discussion. All serious requests should be done by lowering your voice rather than raising your voice. If you look at history’s most notorious leaders, you will notice that during their speeches they used dramatic pauses and the lowering of their tone and volume to hold their listeners attention. Yelling and losing it will only exhaust you and vaccinate your child against hearing your voice.

Stop feeling guilty about having to work – We live in a busy productive world. We unfortunately have responsibilities and obligations. You should not feel guilty about modeling a productive lifestyle to your child as long as you are fully present when engaged in quality time with your child. It truly is about quality over quantity.  Children know when you are pretending to listen or if your mind in on something else. This why you can be with them every day from 3-8 and still hear your child say |”you never spend any time with me.” If this is the only type of interaction they have with you their self-esteem may suffer and they will quickly realize they can receive your full attention when you are angry. Negative attention is better than no attention. Set aside definite quality time with your child. It can be 15 minutes a day, or a full Saturday. What matters is that you do not answer the phone, text, check your email or do the dishes at this time. During this time do not judge. Remember feelings are never wrong. For example if your child complained of “never getting to have fun,” instead of providing examples of why that is not true, validate her feelings by asking what types of activities she thinks would be fun.  When parents feel guilty they have a tendency to over indulge their child. They may allow poor behaviour or expensive gifts so that the child will not be mad at them. This does not teach the child responsibility or love.

Do not engage – young people will often test the person in charge. When they are not satisfied with the final word they will possibly argue, throw fits or bring up new or past issues. Do not take the bait. When you become upset or rattled you have lost your authority. More importantly the issue is lost in a pile of shouts and accusations that usually end with slamming doors and soaked pillows. This is very emotionally draining and is not teaching assertive communication. When your child starts to raise their voice, insult or be disrespectful in any way you need to remain calm, in control and end the conversation. Your child will learn quickly that she cannot communicate with you in an aggressive way because she will lose her audience. Simply state “when you are able to speak properly to me you can try again,” and then leave. You are then truly controlling the situation and saving yourself a lot of energy.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but it doesn’t have to be as stressful as we sometimes make it. Remember to calm down and use more of your problem solving skills rather than raw emotions unless you’re giving praise.

If you would like more positive parenting tips check out Bridgeway Academy’s workshop series.

Summer - A great chance to enhance social skills

By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Social skills are learned behaviours. Having a learning disability or ADHD can affect the acquisition of these skills.  These skills may have to be broken down to their finest point and taught. These skills must also be practised and evaluated. Many parents fear that with summer approaching, and students going off in different directions, their child may not have many opportunities to practise their social skills. No need to worry, there are plenty of opportunities to get involved, learn and practise social skills over the summer months. For example, parents can help their child organize a get together.

If your child struggles socially the following tips should help things run smoothly.


• Always provide plenty of structure.
• Help your child plan an activity that their guests will enjoy.
• Talk to your child about how the get together will go, this will help lessen anxiety.
• Make sure they have one or two back up plans.
• Talk to them after their friends have left and provide kind and honest feedback with explicit details regarding their actions or conversations. 
Keep in mind those activities outside of the house where another adult is in charge, such as a cooking lesson or a rock climbing lesson, often supplies the right amount of structure and can take the pressure off the host. The activity should allow your child’s best attributes to shine. If they have a difficult time following direction then a cooking lesson may not be their thing. If they have difficulty handling disappointment then you’ll want to steer clear of anything too competitive until those coping skills are in place.

You may want to check out day camps that provide the opportunity to explore an interest and practise social skills. If you are worried that your child’s social needs may contribute to a negative experience there are a few questions that will aide you in choosing the right fit.


• What are your child’s interests?
• How does his/her learning needs contribute to his/her social needs? For example, is he/she impulsive or lack emotional control? Perhaps there is difficulty reading non-verbal cues.
• What do you want your child to gain from his/her experience?
• What does your child want to gain from their experience?
• Does he/she need structure?
• Does he/she become overwhelmed in a face paced environment or do they become bored if things move too slowly?

After considering your child there are a few questions you should seek answers to when looking for the right day camp experience.


• What is the ratio of counsellors to campers?
• How are the counsellors trained? What experience do they have with children who have similar social or learning needs?
• Can they send you a schedule of activities? How much unstructured time is on the schedule?
• How will they encourage harmony within the group?
You may consider a day program that will aide in the development of social skills while creating a fun experience. Turning Tides Community Outreach program delivers a social skills summer day camp for school aged children. The day camp directly teaches social skills and offers opportunities for practise through fun activities and feedback. If you would like more information regarding our social skills summer day camp please call (902) 404-TIDE (8433).

we want your comments!

Here's a little article I wrote recently for Parent Child Guide. I Hope you enjoy and I would love it if you would comment and share your opinion! What do you think should a parent be a friend?

TEENAGERS – A Rough Guide

By Angela .E. Rudderham

        To many the teen years seem the most challenging time in a child’s life for a parent. If you have a teenager who listens to you, respects you, is positive and a joy to have around; then stop reading as this article is not for you. This would be a guide for the other 99% of parents of teenagers who are trying to keep their sanity.  These are the toughest years for so many reasons. Parents are often trying to set boundaries and limitations to keep their child safe and on the path to the future they imagined for them. A teenager (by natural design) is trying to gain independence, to explore beyond the boundaries and test out the possibilities for the future they will choose for themselves. These are two opposing objectives, it’s no wonder there is so much conflict or strain. These experiences can cause a parent to second guess themselves. I will attempt to provide some answers to commonly asked questions I hear from parents of teenagers.

Is it okay for me to be my teenager’s friend?  No. It is not your role. They still need a parent. They need someone to show them the connection of their actions to the consequences they experience. This area of their brain is not fully developed yet. They are still learning and while they are, they need a moral compass, a coach, an executive assistant to keep them on time and on task and someone in charge to help them accept the responsibility of their actions and make better choices next time. Without a parent in charge all the responsibility falls to the child. This is too fast a transition from childhood to adulthood and can overwhelm the teenager. The easiest road for a parent is to be a friend but it should be about what the child needs not what makes the parent feel better. The reward for not being “the friend” during their teens is that they feel safe and you will have their respect and a true friendship throughout their adult life. Does this mean you don’t enjoy or do fun things together now? Of course not, but if you are into the role of a parent you have to accept that you won’t be their most favorite person every day and it’s okay if today they don’t like you.

Isn’t  it okay they drink, or smoke up as long as I know where they are? Really?  When we claim we want nothing but the best for our child and we end up settling for this, isn’t that a contradiction? Is the best scenario that they break the law and place themselves at risk and know you approve?  To me this reeks of someone who has given up, doesn’t know where else to turn or what else to try and that happens to the best of us. I believe if parents weren’t shamed when they admit they don’t know what to do or if help was readily available to them this would be a less common resort.  Before this becomes the reality seek out help and alternative suggestions.

Should I be creeping their Facebook or reading their texts? Yes.  Do you pay the internet and cell phone charges? How many murders, molestations kidnappings and suicides could have been prevented from a little creeping and looking into who your child is really talking to and what they are saying? And okay so you trust your angel with all your heart and they never gave you reason to doubt them, do you trust everyone else who may find a way to manipulate them or deceive them?

       Parents of teens have the toughest job; it’s a difficult transition for both the parent and the child. There should be no shame in admitting this. It is supposed to be this way. When faced with a challenging decision, forget about what is easiest or what creates the least friction or what will make you a more popular parent, ask one question, “What is in my child’s best interest?”

How to help your child get through exams

High school students across the province will be getting ready to write exams in the coming weeks.  If you're helping a teen prepare, this advice is for you!


By Angela Rudderham, Director of Turning Tides Community Outreach

Exam time is almost always stressful. Teens have often received the message that the results of their exams will directly impact their futures. The teen brain is not yet efficient in understanding the consequences of their actions or looking at how the decisions they make today will affect them tomorrow. This is why they may seem shocked, panicked and overwhelmed when they realize exam time really did come and their decision to, “put it off until tomorrow,” has  finally caught up with them. If you add into the mix any learning differences, lack of coping skills, lack of emotional control or anxiety, you can have a real crisis on your hands. Here are some tips to help you and your teen get through exam time.

·         Should have/could have lectures are not helpful now. It might seem like a great time to remind your teen that you were right all along when you were nagging them to study all year, but this will only serve to frustrate them and cause them to feel isolated in their despair. They need support now regardless of the fact that their own actions led to this moment.  However, a gentle reminder after exams of how a little preparation would have saved them from panic couldn’t hurt.

·         Listen, but say very little. When your teen is venting or crying and pouring their heart out with statements like, “I can’t do it, I’m too stupid, there’s too much work, the teacher sucked,” as hard as it is not to correct their negative statements, let it go. A healthy pity party may be the thing needed to expel some of the tension.  If you have to say something make it something like, “Tell me about it sweetheart.”

·         Stock the house with brain food and healthy snacks. Lots of Omega 3 fatty acid, found in nuts and salmon, help improve brain function and memory. Vitamin B repairs damage done by stress. Discourage junk food high in sugar and caffeine which can add to the jitters and later cause an energy crash.

·         Plan a relaxing escape or activity for your teen. Treat your teen to a massage, round of golf, yoga or any activity to help clear their minds and reduce stress. A stressed mind will not function at its maximum ability.

·         Help your teen manage their time. Create a study time schedule together. Help them break down lager tasks into smaller tasks.

·         Always start with organization first. Have them gather together all the material they’ve received during the term such as handouts, notes, old assignments, and old tests.  You should then have them organize their notes by date (there may be some guessing here) and make note of any missing dates/pages. Your teen can ask a friend or teacher for these later.

·         Identify main ideas. Encourage them to highlight or underline any key words, formulas, themes, and concepts.

·         Help your teen study by letting them teach you. Have them read their notes to you. Have them explain concepts and pretend to be the teacher. You can ask easy questions to help build their confidence.

·         Suggest your teen compile questions from old tests and create a super test. They can take this test and study the areas they had the most difficulty with. They should take this test again and again until they have no errors.

·         Discover what kind of learner your teen is. Get your teen to take a quick online test to determine their learning style which will help them identify how to maximize their study time. One such online test can be found at www.educationplanner.org

·         Tips for visual learners. Make lists, watch videos, use flashcards, use highlighters, underlining and use mind maps to summarize large tracts of information

·         Tips for auditory learners.  Read textbooks aloud, repeat facts with eyes closed, ask questions, and describe aloud what is to be remembered, use word association to remember facts and lines.

·         Tips for Tactile-Kinesthetic learners. Create a model, demonstrate a principle, practice a technique, participate in simulations, engage in hands-on activities, and study in comfortable position, not necessarily sitting in a chair.

Pulling it all together

For the last week, I have been blogging about Dr. Ross Greene and his approach to handling challenging kids. His focus has been on lagging skills, and unsolved problems occur when those skills are outstripped by the demands of the environment. Problems are solved when the adults and kids look at the skills that are lagging and come up with solutions together. It has been an eye opener because as I revisit and write about what I've learned, I have come to realize it's not much different than what happens inside these walls.

Bridgeway has been focusing on skills deficits when it comes to behaviour for years. When there is a behaviour issue at our school, students are asked to see our behaviour specialist. They sit together, discuss the situation and work together to come up with solutions. Over time, behaviours start to become less frequent.

But the focus on skills doesn't stop at the behaviour room. Because all of our students have learning disabilities, they all have skill deficits, whether it's in math, reading, social skills or behaviour. Every teacher and staff member focuses on the student and the skills that she/he may be lacking. Reading classes teach the child at the skill level they're at, and work to build those skills. Social skills classes help children learn the skills that they haven't developed because of where they are in their cognitive development. Teachers in curriculum know what skills deficits each child is facing, and adapts their teaching to accomodate.

How do we know where to start? Each of our students comes to us with a psycho-educational assessment, which is a professional measure of their skill deficits (and strengths) done by a psychologist. We do some additional testing so we can develop just the right balance of support of skills and use of strengths in a student's individual program. We keep working with a skills focus until kids start to learn - and succeed! It's a pretty amazing thing.

Of course, skills development can benefit any child, not just the ones inside Bridgeway.  That's why we started Turning Tides Community Outreach.  Through this program, we can offer social skills supports to children and youth in the community through after school or summer camp programs.  We can also offer academic and organizational skills suppots to children and adults through our tutoring programs.  And we can help parents and teachers support those new skills by providing them with training.  For more information on how we might be able to help you or your family, contact the Turning Tides office at 902-404-TIDE (8433).  

Rhonda

Plan B - Or solving unsolved problems together

Finally, we're at the meat of  Dr. Greene's presentation - helping challenging kids to be less challenging. I'm sorry to have been so long-winded on this one, but wanted to share the information I have learned. I'm going to tie Dr. Greene's approach to Bridgeway and Turning Tide's approach soon, but first I wanted to get into some detail on Plan B. I can't cover it all, so if you're interested in learning more, please check out Dr. Greene's website or pick up his books - The Explosive Child and Lost at School.

Rhonda

Plan B is the collaborative problem solving approach I mentioned a few days ago, and is the recommended approach to helping a challenging child with lagging skills. This approach makes the child a fully-invested participant, solutions are more durable, and (over time), the child - and often the adult - learn the skills they were lacking all along.

A quick note now on when the best time to start this process would be. It's not in the middle of a heated moment, which would be reactive intervention. Plan C might be a better approach in those moments. Instead, Plan B is most effective when it's done proactively, or when things are calm.

There are three basic steps in the Plan B process, with the first being the Empathy step. The goal is to gather as much information as you can to get the clearest possible understanding of the kid's concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem. Ask the child what they're being bugged about or getting in trouble for - those are the unsolved problems! Stay neutral, but get specific - when, where, with whom, etc.

Now kids aren't always going to open up, and Dr. Greene has some suggestions for drilling for information. I won't get into the details here, but he has some terrific "How To" videos on his site. You can see those here. He also has a Plan B Cheat Sheet worth checking out too.

So once the information is gathered, it's time for the next step - Define the Problem. The goal of this step is to ensure the adult's concern or perspective is entered into consideration. The definition of the problem at this stage is - two concerns that have yet to be reconciled. This is tough because as adults, we usually want to skip this part and go straight to solutions. Kids tend to do the same thing, triggering what's called dueling solutions - also known as a power struggle. You can't start thinking about solutions until the concerns of both parties are clarified.

The third and final step is The Invitation Step. The goal here is to brainstorm solutions that will address the concerns of both parties. It's called the invitation step because the adult is inviting the child to solve the problem together. You want to address the concerns of both parties, and offer the child an opportunity to propose solutions. Remember, you're not a genius - you don't know how the problem will be solved.

Solutions should be realistic and mutally satisfactory. It will take time, and it's hard! Don't forget, the aim isn't to determine what happens in the heat of the moment, but solve the problem so the heat of the moment doesn't occur at all.

So that's it! There is a lot more detail available in Dr. Green's books or his website, and if this feels like something you'd like to try, I'd encourage you do check it out. But you will need bravery, persistence and continuity. As Dr. Greene says, you'll need practice, and the process is incremental.

Good luck!

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.  

So what skills should we be focusing on?

So we've figured out that lagging skills are behind challenging behaviours, and they emerge when the demands in the environment outstrip the skills a child has (aka, The Unsolved Problem). We can't move on to coming up with solutions until we figure out what skills might need support. How to do that? Dr. Greene has a solution. Read on for more info.

Rhonda

To help us figure out what lagging skills we might be dealing with, Dr. Greene has developed a one-page assessment tool he swears we can all use - the ALSUP, or Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems. It's a list of lagging skills and unsolved problems. Where do you get your hands on one? Right here. Dr. Green has made this tool and several others available on his website www.livesinthebalance.com. I would definitely encourage you to go to the site and explore - after you're finished reading this blog, of course!

So why fill out the ALSUP? It's to engage us (the adults) in a conversation, and helps us focus on the things we can actually do something about. Dr. Greene suggests that the goal is to have a meaningful discussion about the degree to which each lagging skill applies to a particular child. If you identify a lagging skill, the next step is to identify examples of when you're seeing it (the unsolved problems, which are conditions in which behaviours are occuring) and the degree to which it's occuring.

Once that conversation has taken place, you can then move on to finding new ways to handling unsolved problems. Dr. Greene identifies three options - Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.

I'll start with Plan A. This is the imposition of adult will, and you're doing it if you're saying "No," or "You can't" or if you're insisting tasks are completed, or you're taking away things like TV time until something is done. This is pretty common, and won't generally set the stage for challenging behaviour in an ordinary kid. However, Plan A is not the preferred approach for challenging kids, despite the name. In fact, it's more likely to cause an explosion. Why is that? Because as Dr. Greene points out, challenging kids don't have a Plan A brain. If the child doesn't have the skills to handle Plan A, you've placed a cognitive demand on him that outstrips his capacity to respond appropriately. Plan A doesn't usually help to get the homework or other tasks done, and isn't helping the child to be more flexible, tolerate frustration more adaptively or solve problems more effectively. It just sets the stage for more explosions. The common sense solution - if Plan A isn't working, stop using it.

I'm going to skip Plan B for a moment and go straight to Plan C. That's when you drop expectations completely, at least temporarily. This isn't the same as giving in. That's when you start with Plan A and throw your hands up in frustration. With Plan C, you're intentionally and proactively decided to drop a given expectation, either because it's unrealiztic or you have other higher-priority expectations to pursue. This can be really hard, but if you're not dealing with the explosions, you can start working on development of other skills. Which leads us to...

Plan B! This is the plan Dr. Greene refers to Collaborative Problem Solving. It's fairly detailed, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to make you wait one more day for more info!

If you would like more information on skills programs at Bridgeway and Turning Tides Community Outreach please visit our websites or contact us. You can reach Bridgeway at 902-465-4800 and Turning Tides at 904-404-TIDE (8433). You can also email Rebecca at rebecca@turningtides.ca.